Delivering Difficult News
Creating allies not enemies
A few weeks ago, I fell of my horse and fractured my spine.
A compression fracture of one vertebra, but a fractured spine nonetheless. It wasn’t a dramatic fall; my horse did nothing wrong, no psychological trauma, just the embarrassment of looking like a total novice despite 54 years in the saddle. The fall triggered a whole series of medical investigations and care for which I will ever be grateful. The prognosis is good and, if I follow the medical professionals’ advice, I should make a full recovery.
BUT … What happens when the professional advice rankles, contradicts previous advice, doesn’t sit comfortably and leaves you feeling miserable?
What happens when the conversation is delivering difficult news?
This happened to me after a visit to a neurophysiologist, two and half weeks after my fall. I had been carefully following previous advice to the letter and was feeling really good. I was pretty confident that I was healing well and that I might even be recovering a bit quicker than expected.
I had previously been told that, all being well, I should be good to resume my full life in six to eight weeks. Imagine my horror when this new professional told me it would be six MONTHS before I could get back in the saddle! Several other things were also mentioned in that consultation that contradicted other medical professionals and my own experience. The professional in question was perfectly nice, competent, and helpful, but I left the consultation feeling upset, deflated, and misunderstood. So, being the psychologist I am, I needed to figure out why.
Here’s what I think:
I don’t think the neurophysiologist was talking to ME.
The neurophysiologist’s diagnosis and allied information was presented to an individual with a spinal injury: “ … this is what we do with spinal injuries.”
However, to tell a rider that they can’t ride for six months is more psychologically painful than any physical injury and given our physical and psychological health are inextricably intertwined, to poke one is likely to cause pain to the other.
It reminded me about the importance of taking time to stop and see the person in front of us; to work WITH them, not simply ON them.
At work, one of the biggest reveals of staff surveys is that people don’t feel seen, or heard, much less understood. The managers we would walk through fire to support are the ones that take time get to know us, our hobbies, our families, our attachment to our dog, or love of nature. Those who take account of and respond to our needs, rather than just applying a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to communication. This person-centred style of delivering difficult news or issuing directives, not only helps individuals relate to and process what’s being said to them more easily, it also builds business-wide trust and loyalty.
All the neurophysiologist needed to do was SEE me, LISTEN to what I was saying and deliver their difficult message accordingly …
”You clearly love your horse and I bet you can’t wait to get back in saddle. Spinal injuries, however, are serious and we need to make sure we get everything right so that when you start riding again, you are as safe as possible. Now, this can take up to six months, but let’s review as we go and make our decisions based on the evidence in front of us at the time.”
Now that’s a message I could have heard.
I wouldn’t have liked it much. I may still have felt deflated, but at least I would have felt understood and have an ally to work with, instead of an enemy to fear, or worse, ignore.
